i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We got so high we made milksteak
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
