my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
