I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
