Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
