I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
