We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
