You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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