somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
