My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it's like heaven, but drunker
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
