he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
