I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
