i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
