I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
