Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
