When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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