Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Randomize
