I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
