Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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