If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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