Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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