smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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