So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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