i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
