Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
