I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
