She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
