yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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