Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
