it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
