i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
