im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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