my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
