its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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