If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
