our cab driver is having phone sex.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
