youre lurking in front of me
I think my vagina is haunted
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
