It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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