Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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