My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
