i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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