dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
