a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
