I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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