Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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