you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
