No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
