I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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