you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
