He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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