and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
