Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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